Flies and Mosquitoes

…And now I reveal just how graphic my language can be.  Did you know I preemptively marked my blog mature so that there wouldn’t be any chance of offending people?  Anyway…

These pests are positively the things I hate most in the world.  Why?  Because they are vicious and terrible to innocent creatures.  My poor animals stand there swishing their tails to swat at them all summer long, and yet despite my efforts of putting up fly strips, spraying the herd with three or four different kinds of repellant, painting them with fly– and mosquito-repellant paste, buying an electric fly swatter, sprinkling out fly predators all over the pasture,  installing fans in the barn to literally blow mosquitoes away, and even spraying concentrated garlic oil over the entire pasture, I have not found anything that works.  I hate something that would harm my animals when they’ve done nothing wrong, and I hate being unable to do anything about it.  So I do what any good person would do: resort to name-calling.  I have a most excellent moniker for mosquitoes.  Want to read it?  It’s graphic.  You sure?  Okay…

Cunt-fairies.

Mosquitoes do not bite things to drink their blood for sustenance; rather, we make proteins that mosquitoes cannot produce themselves but that they require for reproduction.  So, if you want to think about it graphically (which, as an erotic writer, of course I do!), if you’ve ever been bitten by a mosquito (and who hasn’t?), you’ve been part of a really fucked-up sex game involving blood sports.  You’re welcome for the mental image.

As a result of the reason for mosquitoes biting, only the females bite.  The males drink plant nectar.  I’m no sexist, but let’s face it: only women have vaginas (as far as I know), and “cunt” is a particularly vulgar synonym for one.  So, “cunt” works because only females bite.

Now, regarding fairies, well, mosquitoes and fairies both fly, and both are surprisingly hard to kill.  Mosquitoes seem so lazy when they drift by, yet trying to swat one can sometimes be frustratingly challenging.  Then again, I have amazingly terrible hand-eye coordination, so maybe it’s just me.  But I don’t think so.

Personally, I like my moniker.  Vulgar as it is, it’s the only thing that I can think of that really conveys the utter contempt I have for the nasty things.  I don’t use that word often, but when I do, you’d better believe it’s laced with as much venom and malice as I can muster.

Oh, let’s not forget disease.  Malaria, West Nile, Zika, Eastern Equine Encephalitis, and one that’s particularly near and dear to my heart (in the “I want to eviscerate it in the most horrible manner possible” kind of way), Equine Infectious Anemia are all transmitted by mosquitoes and flies.  What’s Equine Infectious Anemia?  Think of a combination of sickle-cell anemia and AIDS but transmitted by horseflies.  It’s so terrible that (as far as I know), it’s illegal to transport a horse across state lines without a negative test result for it.  It’s so terrible that if your horse contracts it, it’s either a death sentence or an invitation for your horse to live in solitude for the rest of its miserable life.  Anything that would be a carrier of such a wretched disease and that does nothing but torment others deserves to die in the most horrible way possible.  Entomologists have said that if we were to eradicate all mosquitoes in the world, Nature would adapt; there’d be few if any negative repercussions.  Unfortunately, going back to my moniker; they are surprisingly hard to kill, yet they are particularly effective at killing us (see the graphic a few paragraphs down the page).  Personally, I’d be extremely happy if we wiped every last mother-fucking cunt-fairy off the face of the planet, but…I don’t think that’s gonna happen.  So I’ll stick to name-calling and looking for better repellants.

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